Hakkai Teaches: The Internet
by nekozuki1776
Summary: The Sanzo ikkou takes some time off to learn about the internet. Humor and chaos follow. PG13 due to strong language.


**TITLE: **Hakkai Teaches: The Internet by: nekozuki1776

**RATING:** PG-13 (strong language)

**SUMMARY:** The Sanzo-ikkou gets a few days of rest from their journey and Hakkai ends up showing the group the joys (and trials) of going on-line. Chaos, humor, rebellion and even a little enlightenment included.

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Saiyuki manga, anime or any of its characters. Minekura Kazuya is the owner of all great things Saiyuki.

* * *

**Hakkai Teaches: The Internet**

Hakkai smiled.

An honest to goodness smile that was free of its usual somber pretense.

It wasn't everyday this green-eyed youkai bestowed such a genuine expression to the world.

For the first time in a long time, the Sanzo-ikkou was staying at a place worthy of being called a hotel. For once, it wasn't a wooden crate of an inn with rice and water for dinner nor was it the roughing-it nights of outdoor camping in the cramped jiipu.

This town held all the comforts of home: a grocery market, nice restaurants, stylish bars, ammunition store, and even a library. The next few days were going to be filled with hot food, warm beds, and an indoor hot spring—amenities that most places they stayed had little or none of. It was a welcome reprieve from the busy days of traveling, demon slaughtering, and other obstacles that always seem to cross their path.

But there was the sole piece de résistance that topped all other indulgences:

An access to the internet.

There were no words to describe his elation when Hakkai discovered that this hotel offered rooms with internet accessible computers. Although he felt a twinge of guilt for registering the only room currently available with the said amenity, he knew the others would be busy eating, cruising for females, or reading a newspaper in desired solitude and wouldn't have the inclination let alone the appreciation of such a luxury as he did.

The guilt soon gave way to eager anticipation of participating in discussions, reading fan fictions, and soaking up information as he often did back in his teaching days. As Hakkai's day couldn't get any better, Sanzo, in his rare display of generosity, had earlier given the group a few extra days of rest in this town. This unexpected grace period gave him the opportunity to order via on-line the recently published suspense novel he had been dying to read to be express shipped to him at the care of this temporary residence.

Comfortably nestled in his chair, Hakkai almost shook in delight as he prepared to double-click his way into the information super highway.

"Hakkai! We didn't see you at lunch!"  
"Hey man! What's up?"

Hakkai froze mid-click, willed his expression out of the rebounding guilt and turned to them slowly with a trademark smile etched on his face.

"Hello Goku, Gojyo! I'm just playing around with the computer a bit."

"So this is a computer? I thought this was a TV!"

"Baka-zaru! There's already a television in the corner over there. Why would he have two of them in the room?"

"Maybe Hakkai wanted to watch two shows at the same time. And don't call me baka-zaru you ero-kappa!"

"I call 'em as I see 'em you idiot saru!"

"Maa, maa, you two, why don't we just calm-"

An irritated monk positioning his banishing gun towards his traveling companions stalked into the room.

"Damn it, you morons! I can hear you from across the hall! Why the hell are you making all that noise?!"

Eager to not flare the houshi's temper, Hakkai quickly jumped in before the other two initiated the blame game.

"Sorry for disturbing you Sanzo. I was just introducing Goku and Gojyo to the computer."

"The computer? What do you need a computer for?"

"Well, for many things. For instance, accessing the internet to read up on current news-"

"Sounds boring," Goku cut in.

"Goku, the internet is also a resource to other things besides information. You can play on-line games, buy things,"

"Buy what things?"

"You can buy books, clothing, music-"

"What about food? Can you buy meatbuns?"

"I don't know about meatbuns, but there are other foods that are definitely available to purchase on-line."

"Ooo, like what? Can we order it now?"

"Just ignore the saru Hakkai. So what else is the internet good for?"

"Well Gojyo, there are poker game sites that you might want to try." As an afterthought, he added, "And I think there are on-line dating services too."

"Oh, I've heard of that. I think Tongpu tried on-line dating, but I never got into it."

"Why?"

"I like meeting the ladies the old fashioned way rather than cyber-stuff if you know what I mean," he winked.

Hakkai laughed, "Ahaha, I see."

"But the poker game sounds fun."

"To hell with all that," Sanzo finally spoke up. "What about the current news?"

"No, I want to order food!"

"Poker!"

"Maa, maa, minna-san. I would be more than happy to address each of your interests. Why don't I just provide a quick background since you all seem to be new to the world of internet?"

Each hurrahed, nodded, or ch'd in response to Hakkai's role as the instructor.

"Now, one can say that the internet is the resource to many of your needs."

"Meatbuns!"  
"Poker!"  
"Shut-up and let him talk!"

"When you are looking for something on-line, a good place to start is to go to a search engine and type in exactly what you are looking for. Think of the search engine as your on-line directory to the internet."

Hakkai typed in a web address.

"Now here we have such a site called Yahoo-"

"_Yahoo_? Ooo. I like that drink. Now I'm getting thirsty."  
"That's _Yoo-hoo_ you idiot."  
"Ch. Just get to the point Hakkai."

"Er, yes. Now for instance, in Sanzo's case, if I type in 'newspapers', it will search and display many web sites related to this key word."

"The list is accompanied by links, or connections, to those various on-line newspaper sites." Hakkai clicked on one of the links, "And see, it displays up to date news in real time with more color photos compared to a standard newspaper. It's nicer than reading in black and white, ne?"

Sanzo begrudgingly agreed, "Hmph. Not bad."

Sighing in relief at the first positive response from Sanzo, Hakkai eagerly proceeded to explain.

"And look. You can even sign up with the various on-line newsgroups to send you updates via e-mail on a daily basis. You can get the latest headline news regarding politics, business, sports, cultural matters or any other information you might want."

"Ch, it sounds expensive to get all that."

"That's the beauty of the whole thing Sanzo. It's all free and takes only a few minutes to sign-up. Here, let me just set you up with an e-mail account and then register you with this newsgroup."

-o-o-o-

"Ok, we're almost finished here Sanzo. You now have to specify the name of your e-mail address. What would you like?"

Tired of being left out of the action, Goku and Gojyo eagerly piped in their suggestions.

"How about Meatbuns?"  
"I like SexyChicksRule."  
"It might be a better idea to pick a name that is more relative to the user."

"What about Sunshine?"  
"I think BastardHoushi."  
"I don't think Sanzo would like-"

"GoldenMonk?"  
"SexuallyRepressed?"  
"Oh my…"

Whack! whack! Two sustaining echoes of the harisen making contact with each head filled the air as the cringing figures of Goku and Gojyo scuffled to the other side of the room.

-o-o-o-

"Ok Sanzo, the e-mail account which will receive your daily updates have been activated so all that's left to finalize the registration for this newsgroup is to answer a few personal questions."

Leaning over to the monitor, Sanzo read the questions and exploded immediately in anger.

"Why the hell do they need to know my birth date and profession? What hobbies and interests? I don't have any! Why do I have to answer all this crap?"

Hakkai turned to Sanzo, trying to explain the method and madness of marketing analysis. "Sanzo, all they want to know are just a few key information and preferences of the user to determine your demographics as well as setting up a personal profile for you. You can input fake information or just leave them blank if you wish."

Hakkai then turned around to the sound of two giggling deviants as the intentionally loud click of the ENTER key was heard. "Oh, no Gojyo, Goku what have you done?"

During Hakkai's placating explanation, Gojyo and Goku had taken over the keyboard and typed a few choice information in their leader's profile.

"What the hell did you type in here you brats! You've made me into a woman! A 72-year old retired nurse who likes collecting Faberge eggs, speed walking and playing canasta?!?"

Failing to stifle a laugh Goku responded, "But Sanzo, we were just trying to help."

Gojyo joined in, "Yeah, you should be grateful Sanzo-sama. I think it's a tastefully written profile!"

"And what the hell do you know about taste Gojyo?"

"Enough to know that what we wrote is a helluva lot better than a 23yr old chain smoking monk whose hobbies include bitching about the world and shooting anyone or anything that crosses his path!"

"That's it. I don't have to take any of your shit. I'm purifying you along with this damn computer! Makai Ten-"

Hakkai grasped the sacred scroll just in time to halt the hastily performed purification.

"Maa, maa Sanzo. They meant no real harm. This might not be the most appealing of profiles, but they were just trying to create an identity that would in no way be traced back to you. And besides, I don't think you can purify an inanimate object--especially one that doesn't contain any evil youkai tendencies."

"Ch. There's definitely something evil about that computer."

As Hakkai continued to pacify the agitated houshi and coax the frightened water sprite from under the table, the unrelenting Goku once again commandeered the un-exorcised computer.

"Hey look what I found guys, a site with bunch of squirrels dancing. Isn't this just too cool?"

Three other heads turned to face the monitor as they witnessed a group of cartoon squirrels donned in various forms of attire moving to the funky beat of disco.

An exasperated sigh, a blow from the harisen, and a slap on the head was offered to the overly eager monkey king.

"That hurt you guys," Goku yelled. He held his head in pain but with unsurprising resilience, soon turned back to the monitor. "Is this funny or what?"

-o-o-o-

A half-hour later, Hakkai had finished setting up the accounts for Sanzo, aided Gojyo in joining an on-line poker group, and was currently attempting to teach Goku the basics of the internet. Unfortunately, the pace was painstaking slow as Goku continually interrupted Hakkai with a barrage of questions.

"Hakkai, do you think we can we send Kougaiji a prank e-mail?"

"Are you sure we can't buy meatbuns on-line?"

"Hey Hakkai, what's the point of typing 'www' if all addresses begin with 'www'? Isn't that just a waste of time?"

"Why Hakkai, why?"

"Goku, maybe if you can stick to one question at a time, I can answer each one of them more accurately."

"You might as well give up Hakkai, You can't teach a saru new tricks. It's hopeless."

"At least the saru is a real animal you perverted cockroach!"

"I'm gonna www. Kick-your-sorry-ass. com if you don't shut your trap!"

"Shut up you ero-kappa!"

"No you shut-up!"

"No you!"

"No you!"

"Maa, maa both of you. If we could just calm down and-"

A shot rang through the air as a bullet propelled out of a shoreijyuu.

"Will everyone just shut the fuck up!"

The fighting and pleading came to a sudden halt as they all turned in stunned silence to face the infuriated monk.

"Now all of you just get the hell out of here so I can read in peace!"

"But Sanzo,"

"I don't care if this is your room Hakkai! I'll be finished reading in a few hours!"

"Sanzo, I'm afraid that's not possible."

"And why the hell not?"

"Ano… Because you just shot the monitor."

Sanzo glared at the target of his fury that held a distinct bullet hole smack in the middle of the screen.

"Well fix it then, damn it!"

"Sanzo, not unlike your purifying skills, my healing power does not work on non-organisms."

Refusing to recognize logic nor reason, Sanzo broke into a series of tirade that rivaled those of a spoiled, ranting child.

"That's why I hate computers! They're weak! They ask stupid questions, break down easily and can't defend themselves!"

"I've had enough of this. I'm going back to my room to read the newspaper the way it was meant to be--in black and white with a pack of smokes and a beer!"

The door slammed shut behind him, leaving the room minus one agitated houshi. It didn't take long thereafter for the group to disseminate to their respective nooks.

"I'm going to the bar to check out the ladies."

"I'm going out to get something to eat. See ya!"

Left in solitude, Hakkai rubbed his temple of a forthcoming migraine. Even if another room with a computer was to become available, there was no way in their right minds would the hotel staff willingly part with another unsuspecting computer to this seemingly deranged group.

Despite his act of wrath, Hakkai sympathized with the temperamental monk for the story he would have to cite this time to explain the unexpected expense on the gold card. He chuckled as he imagined Sanzo testifying before the Sanbutsushin of how this sad, piece of machinery was an innocent bystander of a battle they fought against the evil youkais in their noble pursuit of peace and justice.

In a twisted way, Hakkai felt somewhat responsible for this unfortunate "collateral damage" since he was the one who had sneaked the computer privilege in the first place. It was with this karmic thought he sighed resignedly as the dream of reading the anticipated novel faded away into the ether.

Nonetheless it was oddly reassuring to know the group was back in their norm of basking in their favorite pastimes of eating meatbuns, picking up women, and reading the newspaper. If the Merciful Goddess had any say in the matter, fate always had a way of bringing them back to the basics of their true comforts. He predicated that this same fate would also conscientiously reconvene the inseparable group later that evening to play a betting round or two of mah-jong.

"Yare, yare," he smiled contentedly as he leisurely headed towards the direction of the library.

**-The End-**

A/N – I can easily see the internet technology existing in the Saiyuki setting. Look at the complex machinery and computers Dr. Ni and the gang are utilizing in their quest to revive Gyumaoh. Besides, can't you just picture Ni doing a search for "plush bunnies" on the internet?

I do not work for, or am being paid by Yahoo or Yoo-hoo. (Although both are quite good in their own rights, especially when consumed in tandem).


End file.
